A Letter of Good Bye

I have started to go to therapy. Counseling to help me make sense of myself, my life, my situation. Counseling to help me be a better me. I find it crazy that I spend $50.00 an hour to talk to someone I don't really know, to help me accept something that I already know. But I do. I compare it to getting private lessons in jiu jitsu. You can learn a lot with 1 on 1 direct coaching. You can learn a lot in group classes also, but you learn more specific stuff tailored to yourself in a private lesson.

This week my homework was to write a letter of Good Bye to the relationship. I find it hard to let go. A letter of good bye should be a help. But I don't know if I could write it. I could write it. But I don't know if I would need it. I have put writing the letter off for a week. It is "due" tomorrow at my next session. My counselor told me I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to.

The pictures that were posted last week were good bye's to me. They were a good bye to what she and I shared. It was a good bye to our relationship. She is happy with him. I know this. I am happy for her. As much as it hurts, I am happy for her. I know she is still a bit confused, but not as much. I felt her pain today. I don't have to talk to her or hear from her to feel her pain. But I felt it today. She does miss me and she does love me. But she knows that we cannot work out.

I do love her too. I miss her. I miss telling her I love her. I miss telling her that she is beautiful. Because she is beautiful. She is lovable. She is loved. But it is no longer my place to be her main guy. I must step down. I must let go. I must let her move on. She already has. But I need to stay out of the way.

We haven't talked in a week or so. Before that it was short txt's. No emotion. Just updates. Things are changing between us. The door is closing for me. I must move on. I am glad that she is happy. I am glad that she gets to spend special moments with someone. I am glad that she is enjoying life.

Knocked Back Down

I was doing so well. I haven't written anything in a week and a half. Thats how well I was doing. But that changed today. Today she uploaded some pictures of her and the other guy. She looks happy. So does he. That's a good thing. It really is. I am glad they are happy. I am glad that she is happy. But that doesn't make it any less of a burden for me.

It hurts. It does. Seeing actual pictures. But I know it's a good thing. I know it will help me in the long run. I know it will help me get over her. I wish she told me before she posted them. She told me she would let me know before she posted pictures or if they were dating. She told me she would let me know before I found out on Facebook or Myspace. But she didn't. And that's okay.

I let my hopes climb back up. I tried to control them as best as I could. But I still let them go. And they were brought back down again. There were signs to let go and signs to hold on. I still read too much into her words. There are things I want to bring into the light and talk through and to understand. There are things I want to know the motive or the reasons why, but I don't think it is the time.

I am still connected to her. I am still in her pocket. But she doesn't really want me. She doesn't think we can work out long term. I can't convince her otherwise. I shouldn't need to convince her otherwise. I just need to move past it. I need to really let her go.

I put her on a pedestal. And she deserves to be there. She deserves the best. She is the most loving and giving person I have ever met. But I have to realize my own pedestal. I have to realize that I deserve to be there too. I can't keep selling myself short. I can't keep thinking I will never find another person as great as she is. I can't keep thinking that I will never find another person that fits me as great as she does. Because I know I will find another.

I have to realize that she was the best for me. But that doesn't mean she is now. She broke up with me repeatedly. She never thought we could work out. There is someone new in her life. I have to realize that. Things would be too wierd with him still in her life. I don't think I could handle that.

I have to move on. I have to get past these feelings. But maybe I'm trying to hard to get past them that I am not able to feel and experience them to let them go.

This was a set back. But hopefully now I can take two steps forward. I'm still holding on and I know I need to let go. I'm just wondering when I will be able to.

Up then down

Up then down. Up then down. Feeling great then feeling horrible. I miss her. And that's okay. I want her but I can't have her. And that's okay. She will be with someone else if she is not already. And that is okay. She will kiss someone else. She will hold someone else's hand. She probably already has. And that is okay. It hurts. My heart is crying. And that is okay. I am okay. I will get better.

Memories come at me. They pierce my heart. They flash in my mind. They sting and leave a mark. Memories of her. Memories of us. Her beauty. Her presence. Her comfort and her love. No longer there. Not for me. I know I will see her again. But I don't know when. Maybe it will be some years from now. How will I handle being able to see her? These feelings will fade. My love for her will change. I will be okay.

We are still so attached. I still feel her presence. She still feels mine. We know when we are thinking of each other. We can feel it. I can feel her pain. I can feel her happiness.

I'm trying to pull away. Trying to let her be. But I get sucked back in in her times of need. I don't turn to her to help me with mine. I don't want to be attached to her. Not if she doesn't want to be attached to me. It hurts me too much. It hurts me too much. But I can take it. At least I tell myself that I can.

But I do want to be attached to her. I don't let go. Even though I need to. I don't let go. I want her, but she doesn't want me. But she does. She just can't handle me yet. I need to let go. I need to move forward. I need to move on.

It's time to move on. It's time to let go.

2 months or more

2 months or more and I'm missing her. But I don't need to miss her, because she is still in my life. But I do miss her. I miss being around her. I miss holding her. I miss feeling her, smelling her. I miss so much about her. But I really just miss her.

I try to be okay with the fact that I will probably never be with her again. But I am holding on to that slim little chance of hope. I should probably let go. I know I need to let go, but I hold on.

I cannot win this one. I cannot do anything to win this one. I cannot do anything, but be me. Just me. Not someone else. Not someone I am not. I cannot try anymore. I just have to be me.

I have to free myself from myself. I am holding myself back. I am caging myself in. Thoughts and lies trouble me. Shame and guilt. Sin and pain. I deny myself the value that I have. I deny myself the love that is given to me. I deny myself of myself. I deny myself who I am.

Yet I freely give of myself to others. I freely give love to others. I help others see the love and the value that they have. Yet I deny myself the same things. I keep myself caged and trapped. I tell myself that I am not deserving. I tell myself that I am not worth it. I am nothing.

I know it is a lie, but I cannot escape it. I cannot escape the lie that I am trapped under. That I know is just a lie.

I know I have value. I know I am attractive. I know I am lovable. I know I am hot and sexy. I know I have a great heart, full of love and kindness. I am self-less. I am giving. I am wanted. I am desired.

But I cannot get myself to fully believe that. I cannot get myself to know that. I put down the crushing burden I carry, only to pick it back up. I am done carrying it. I hate hating myself. I am done hating myself.

I tell myself that I will never find another one as great as she. But I know that is a lie. I know that is a lie! I know I will find someone as great if not better! I know it!

My love for me

My confidence is shaky. What do I have to offer? I'm broken and empty. I need to be rebuilt. But I have no hope in the future. What is there to look forward to? Nothing but loneliness. I try to be the strong one. I try not to be needy. I try to not be human.

But I need love. I need grace. I need forgiveness. I need love. Who do I look for love from? Why do I not accept it? It is freely given to me. But I do not think I am deserving.

I try not to be human. I try not to have feelings. I should be better than that. I should be better than the rest. But I am broken. I am human. I have needs.

Why can't I just get past them? Why can't I just move on? But I need to acknowledge that I have needs. That I am broken. Even if I think i should not be. I need to accept the fact that I am broken. I need to accept the fact that I am okay. I am okay being broken. I need to accept the fact that I do have plenty to offer. That I am attractive.

But I need to accept the fact that I cannot base myself on that.

I need to accept the fact that I do still love her. That I can still love her. Even if she no longer shares those same feelings for me. I can still love her. I must do the best thing for her.

Do not worry about the future. There is only the present. I cannot change the past.

The long way

I love her. I still love her. After 2 months of not seeing her. After so much heart break and betrayal. I still love her. I still have feelings for her. But they are fading. I must make them go away. I must let them go. She will love someone else.

I can't hold on. It is detrimental to me. It is detrimental to her. I judge every female against her. None can compare. But it is not right to compare them to her. She is no longer mine. She will no longer be mine. I must let go.

I am doing things the hard way. Sometimes the easy way is not always the best way. I am taking the scenic route. Sometimes you learn more and get to see more on the scenic route. Even if it takes longer. It should be more enjoyable. But sometimes the road is not as smooth. Sometimes the road is full of pot holes.

I am doing what I would tell my friends not to do. I am going against my greater knowledge. Will I make it through? Will I be strong enough to carry on? I am questioning myself now, but I know I will make it. I will be better because of it. I will be stronger. I will have more of a definition of who I am. She will be stronger because of it. She will be a better person because of it. Our friendship will be greater because of it. God will help us through. There is so much hurt and so much pain. But I can take it. I will take it. I will make it through. Determination.

She told me that she could never see us together long term. She told me she wanted to be with me, but could not see it working out. She said she wouldn't be happy. She said that she would regret it. I know she is wrong. I could make her happy. I would make her happy. I would try my hardest for her and for myself. For us. I would try harder to love her as she needed to be loved. To love her as she wanted to be loved. I would love her that way.

I am loving her that way. I am loving her in the way that she needs to be loved. Right now. Away from her. No longer in relationship. She can't have me love her the way I want to love her. It is not healthy for her. But I will love her. I am loving her as she needs it.

I try to be happy. I try to think of the positives. But it is so hard at times. I wallow in my self-pity. Wallow in my despair. She is being blessed greatly. I am happy for her, yet it is sad at the same time because I do not get to celebrate and enjoy them with her. I am being blessed in my own way. A different way. But I am being blessed none the less. But I focus on my pains and my hurts. And not on my blessings. My focus is skewed.

I am loved. I am liked. I am lovable. I have much to offer. But I don't accept it as I should. I don't accept myself as I should. I want her love. I want her attention. But I know it would not be right even if I were to have it. Things would be so different. Nothing that would not be repairable. But different all the same.

She is so beautiful. Her face and her image burned into my mind. Gorgeous, stunning and amazing. Such lacking words of description for her. She is going to make someone very happy. She is going to make someone feel so special. I hope she is not taken advantage of. She won't be. She is strong. She is getting stronger. She is becoming more beautiful.

It is scary to me to know that she will be with someone else. That she will be happy with someone else. But I must recognize that. I must accept that. So I can move on. So she can move on. She will be happy with someone else. She will spend her days with someone else. Next to someone else.

But I will too. Eventually. When I let her go I will be able to see more clearly. For now I take every smile I receive. I hold it in and feel it's acceptance and it's love. I will be stronger. I will be more beautiful. I will be more attractive.

The spiderwebs of life pt 2

And yet I still ponder life. Life and all of its challenges, oppurtunities, differences, similiarities. Life and all of its craziness and beauty.

My job is in the air. They are closing the factory I work at. I do not know what to do. Look for another job outside of the company? Hope to be transferred within the company? Voluntarily seperate and sell everything and move away? I don't know. I have less than a year. It will come by faster than I can imagine.

I have gained about 15 pounds in the last year. Eating out. Enjoying life. Not working out as much. I may be softer but I am stronger. I would like to lose the weight, but I do not follow a strict eating plan.

I was recently downtown at a bar. A block away a senseless act of violence was being performed by a 24 year old male. He opened fire on an 18 and under crowd of kids. He shot 9 people and 2 died. Then he fatally shot himself in the head. Senseless acts of violence. What a depraved soul. The kids that were shot were all foreign exchange students.

A friend of mine is growing in popularity amongst the fitness industry. He is making a name for himself and people are turning to him for knowledge and advice.

Another friend is making personal growth. Growing herself into more of a beautiful woman than she already is. Moving past her fears and insecurities. Moving past her hurts and her misleadings.

Another friend will soon be making the treacherous journey to Iraq. She will be close to the front lines and in harms way.

I am still trying to get over her. Slowly but surely. I am probably not taking the easiest way about it, but the easiest way is not always the best way. I called her my "Love Bucket". That was my nickname for her. She will always be my "Love Bucket". I have to find my "Love Dumptruck."